Visit the Land of 1000 Animals

Recently my dad’s uncle died. When this happens in my family, there’s always one person who gets burdened with taking care of EVERYTHING, regardless of whether or not the deceased had their own children or not (Which in this case they did). My dad is always this person. He ends up signing every paper, cleaning out houses, registering widows to nursing homes, all that jazz. As bad as we can feel for our aunt that ended up in the nursing home, there are no other options. And as bad as you feel about rummaging through what’s left of an elderly persons life and throwing away old front doors and moldy Scrabble games from Pre-WWII, you can’t help but enjoy it a little. At least I can’t. There’s some interesting shit in old people’s houses, and since it’s always my family’s job to sweep up the mess, I get to keep anything I want. Nothing big, just weird little crap that you might as well take home rather than throw out. So I have a couple things here I want to share, and this is the first. Click the logo above to read the review.

More Crazy and/or Normal Food

Like I said, I'm going to try and write more stuff, even if it sucks or isn't that interesting (I hope it's not, but...) So Here's
Crazy and/or Normal Food Part II.
Hooray for science woo.

Amilio Part 7: The Legend Continues

It's a really long time since I put some effort into this blog/stuff but I'm going to try harder, I swear. So to prove that a bit, Here's a new Amilio. It's The Adventures of Amilio the Misunderstood Ghoul Part 7: The Legend Continues. Enjoy it, and check back sometime. I actually have some things to write about...

New shit, moistly old shit... that's right moistly.

I have been a horrible blog poster lately. Going to college in the summer is like a constant kick in the sack. But I'm not feeling so bummy right now so I added some new shit. Moistly.

New Stories:

#15 - Paco's Secret Pocket

#16 - Legend of the Dead Puppy: A True Story

So there it is. Another nonsensical piece of crazy, and a true story. Let me know if you enjoyed the true story because I might type up some more of my life's insane tales.

Oh, and it's the 4th-o-Jew-Lie I gander. I was thinking about going down to the Steven Tyler/Joe Perry/Boston Pops concert/Fire Works Spectactular'r'r'r (which is FREE), but nuts to that shit because apparently people have been camping out since last night and rushing in early to crowd up the place. Sure I could walk there in about an hour, but I don't feel like pushing my way through drunken democrats and hobos to see half of Aerosmith with an orchestra. I'll just watch it on tv or look over the horizon to see if i can catch something. Have a lovely day of rememberance and blowing shit up. (And do blow something up).

Character Sketch

Here's something I had to write for my final in Writers of the Beat Generation. I had to write a character sketch influenced by Jack Kerouac's style in On the Road. This is what I came up with...
Bird Guy.

Sleeping cat

Have you ever looked at a sleeping cat and thought "is that thing even alive?" "Is it possible for something to sleep so hard that it just dies?" So then you kind of lower your head to really stare at it's stomach to see if it's breathing. Then you see that it is breathing and you think "ah, well that's fine then". But you've been staring at the thing for so long that you can't stop yourself from going over and waking it up. So you pet it, and the instant you touch it it spins and lets out a yawn/meow. Then you're like, "shit, i shouldn't have woken it up... I'm an ass!" Happens all the time.

I'm Glad I'm not an Asshole

Sandie & Me

Here's a movie I wrote that was made with some folks from school. There's no way for me to describe it so spend about 3 minutes and take this in. You won't be disappointed. But, You might...

The Mouse Debacle... The Full Story.

Most of my friends have already heard parts of this story by now, but here's the full inside scoop. You see, I've never been too fond of mice. In fact, they freak me out. Not because I'm scared of them, oh no; I could crush those fuckers with no problem. They freak me out because they play dirty. They aren't into giving you a one on one, man to mouse fight. They sneak around, popping out at the most inappropriate and inconceivable times and places. They leave a trail of small shits as they walk, and chew through anything that might have the smallest piece of edible anything inside it. They squeeze in and under things and reach places and heights flying dust particles only dream about. They're diseased carrying little bastards that are only fit to be digested inside other animals stomachs. So naturally when I saw one run across my floor the other night, I could almost see the timeline of pain and annoyance that it left strung behind it. It was fucking on...

The first night I saw it, I was literally so pissed and annoyed that I stayed in the room I was in for hours, hoping that maybe I was just imagining things or a piece of hair got caught in my eyes. But it was a mouse. I slipped on some sandals and walked into the kitchen ready to grab the broom from the way back, and start my search for the mouse. The search started and ended the moment I flicked on the light and saw a mouse flip out only inches from my face. There it was on top of the refrigerator, eating straight through a loaf of bread. It bolted off the fridge, over the stove, over my dishes, and disappeared screaming all the way. Of course, I was screaming all the way too and included some curse words and famous characters of the Bible. Needless to say I spent the whole night cleaning everything as possible. Nothing was even that dirty. But now there was mouse essence everywhere and I was super pissed.

Paranoia sets in.

Now I couldn't sleep. I knew there was a mouse running around making everything icky and trying to eat my food. I also knew that if it had the chance, it would climb down my throat and lay eggs (fucking mice). I couldn't even stand to be in my apartment. I'm pretty sure I developed a temporary case of mousephobia because I just wanted to sleep outside with the homeless people with a change cup and twelve pairs of pants. I couldn't even go in the kitchen. I didn't cook or eat at home for the whole time this went on. This sucks I says to myself. This sucks, this sucks, this sucks.

Next day, picked up some mouse traps. Thing is, apparently Massachusetts doesn't carry the normal brand of mouse trap that has the little metal piece in the middle that sits flat. THESE had a big fake slice of cheese that stood vertical with a hook. Swhatt? Okay. So I buy 'em, bait 'em, set 'em, and wait for the next day to come where I would surely be throwing out some dead mice. Wrong. Those fucking ass shit mother fuckers ate every mouse trap clean and not one of them got their heads crushed by a sprung metal bar. Not only that, but I REALLY need to catch these things because I was headed home the next day for New York for a week. I was so pissed that I didn't even want to re-bait the traps. I did it with one, this time using American cheese instead of bread and peanut butter. Not only that, but I took a thread from a towel and somehow I had a needle that I used to tie the cheese to the trap. Surely now I would catch them before I left... No dice.

So I go home. Super Happy Fun Time Go!

Then I come back. In the name of all that is holy... Kill me.

Guess what I caught. It wasn't gonorrea, but it should have been. I caught two mice. Not only that, but I must have caught them in an alternate reality months before they ever appeared because goddamn. They had become rotting corpses of indescribable putricity. I almost mouth shat... That's right, mouth shat.

So after some heavy duty cleaning and a feeling of being so sick it was a sin to still be alive, I reset the traps and spent the next couple of days trying to rid myself of a lingering death pile smell. That smell wasn't going away. In fact, one of the mice I caught was caught in an unbaited (idiot) trap under the sink which has a bottom made of old cheap particle board. That shit will soak up anything, including rotting mouse. So, still feeling pretty bad about going in the kitchen at this point.

It had been a few days since I saw a mouse. To my knowledge I had destroyed all the mice that had crossed my path. So I was munching some cheese doodles one night, got ready for bed, and went to sleep. I was still pretty much in mouse paranoia mode so I made sure to put the cheese doodles in a place where a mouse wouldn't be able to reach. I set the bag in the middle of the room on a tote (big plastic box) that was too tall for a mouse to get up to. Suddenly in my sleep I hear a little *crinkle crinkle* and the first thing I said out loud with my head still on the pillow was "Mother Fucker." I bolt up and run to the light. Silence. I inspected the doodle bag (tehe.. doodle bag), nothing. I thought I was just being totally paranoid and hearing shit. Then I saw it. A single black spot on the top of my couch. A piece of mouse shit. "Mother Fu.." Before I could finish the mouse blasted across the room as I quickly grabbed the broom that was conveniently placed next to me. I smacked the shit out of the ground screaming obscenities. But the mouse got away, up under the sink again. "MENDOSA!!!"

Now I was pissed. I had been pissed, I had been super pissed, but now I was Mega Amish Super Pissed. I could feel the hate bubble in my veins. This needed to end. I can't go on like this anymore. Humans need to eat in their kitchens. Humans need to sleep peacefully for more than 4 hours a night. Humans need control over their residences. That's when I knew there was nothing more for me, a human, to do. I needed a secret weapon. I needed a robotic device that hunts to kill! But more realistically, I needed a cat. After a few phonecalls, I had the parental suppliers of cash on board with the cat idea, and that weekend I was going to make it happen. But that was a day or two away, I needed relief fast. That's when I found this...


Having mouse troubles? Fuck every other kind of trap out there. You NEEEEED to get this baby. The d-Con Ultra Set Covered Mouse Trap! It's like Heaven if Heaven was all about crushing rodents to death. It's like this big black box with a lift up flap in front, and a self setting lever in back. You put some peanut butter in the little cup inside, close the cover, then pull back on the lever. I did that, and the next morning there was a fresh, non stinking mouse, crushed in what I'm sure was a painful and most befitting death. Yes! So you lift up on the handle, giver it a shake, and out drops Mr.Deadpants. Reset it, and you're good to go. Awesome! Thank you d-Con! If this were a video, I'd have a super happy smile with a thumbs up and the product shoved in your face! It works!

So to add yet another advantage to my side, I got a cat. I left my camera at home which means no pictures... sorry. But he's black/dark brownish, super lovable and his name is Tailgate. Awesome name for a shelter cat that I didn't get to name. So I'm totally not worried about mice anymore, even if I see one. In fact, the last time I saw a mouse in my apartment was after I returned with Tailgate. The little bastard had climbed into the d-Con trap, ate the peanut butter, and somehow managed to get out before it snapped. Unfortunately for him, not all of him made it out. His tail was caught by the trap, and he was just chillin' waiting for something to happen. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't trained in the country boy art of small diseased creature torture. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't the President of the official club. So when I saw a live mouse trapped at my mercy in my fifth story apartment, I knew that I'd always wanted to see something plummet to it's death... (click for bigness)



The mouse seriously put all fours out like that as if he were sky diving. Well, platform jumping in this case. It was the most satisfying thing EVER. Thus ended the mouse debacle. Haven't seen one since. I think they're all afraid to take the express elevator like their buddy. But now I have Tailgate, and the d-Con, and the smell is finally gone. So all is well. Now I just have to clean a litter box and keep my plants up high and blocked off. It's a fair trade I guess. Good Night everybody.

Children's Books!!!

Remember Sprout's Valley Adventure? I did it again! Times Four! It's Children's Books: Reviewed and Ridiculed. Check it out.

Mattman Music

I made a seperate myspace account for music. It's really scary.

Mattman Music

When I make a new song I'll upload to this.

The Adventures of Amilio the Misunderstood Goul 6

It's Valentine's Day Amilio!

Everyone should Rasterbate...

I Rasterbated 3 times! No, seriously I did! And I wrote all about it... Check it Out!

Laundromat Telephone...

It was about that time of the month when the number of clean boxers in my cupboard was becoming dangerously low. So low in fact that I had the final pair secure around my ass. So off I went to the laundromat. This laundromat sucks by the way. The glass door has a hole in it, most of the dryers have "out of order" duct-taped to their faces, and the color scheme is like vomit on a warm day. Amazingly, no one else was there, which seemed strange for a Friday night. Then something happened that to me was pretty damn funny, and could easily be adapted into a short film (patent pending)...

So I'm sitting there watching my clothes tumble about in circles, with no other sounds or human contact around at all. Then I hear something that sounded like a cell phone going off in someone's pocket. So I look around, and there's nothing there, and the ringing stops. I mentally fucked it and sat back down. Several minutes later I heard it again. This time I got up and tried to find the sound. It lead me directly to the payphone inside the laundromat. But even standing next to the payphone, it didn't sound like it was ringing, nor did it sound like a payphone ring. I peered around every angle of that thing, and it wasn't ringing. But there was a ringing sound coming from it... Confused? Good.

So since the phone obviously wasn't ringing, I didn't try to answer it. Soon, the ringing sound that was coming mysteriously from inside or behind or in a dimension perfectly opposite the payphone stopped. Well then. Fuck it once again. So I went back to watching the clothes.

Later, my clothes were almost dry when someone entered the laundromat. It was some lady. She stood at the door for a few minutes, then pulled out some cash and exchanged it for quarters in the change machine. She walks over to the payphone and pays up. Suddenly, my world was transformed from a calm dull stare, to an extremely loud and death bringing rumble. This woman started talking in a language that I thought to be Russian, but it couldn't have been normal Russian because I wanted to hurt myself. She talked so loud, and so fast, that there was no way anyone on the other end was comprehending anything she said. She went on, not breathing, not punctuating, and certainly not being courteous of my existence. After about 5 minutes of eXtreme talking, she hung up the phone, and stood there for a while.

I was sitting there, trying to forget about the loud insane Russian spec that was ringing in my head. I wanted this lady to leave or better yet, get hit by a bus. Then the best thing that could've happened at the moment happened. The secret ringing came back for an encore, and the stupid lady was still standing next to the phone. I knew what her voice sounded like. I knew it was loud, obnoxious, and Russian in dialect. I also knew I didn't want to hear anymore of it. So as she reached for the phone that obviously wasn't ringing but making some sound that came from somewhere else near or around it, I squinted a little waiting for that annoying sound. She picks up the receiver, and says "Hello?!". I almost burst out laughing but instead just dropped my head and shook it, knowing that for my sake and my sake alone, the universe had made this woman look like a complete dickhead. She left.

Reese's Adds Delicious Ooze!

Okay... I was thinking about doing a complete big article chronologically depicting the life, times, and variety of Reese's Cups... Then I said "screw that" using the F-word, because there are like a BILLION different variations of the Reese's cup. Here's the list of all that are or once were...

-Original
-White Chocolate
-Inside Out
-Chocolate Lovers
-Peanut Butter Lovers
-Extra Smooth & Creamy
-Crunchy
-Crunchy Cookie
-Dark Chocolate
-Big Cup
-White Chocolate Big Cup
-Big Cup with Nuts
-Fudge
-Honey Roasted
-Reese's with Nuts
-Reese's Pieces
-Pieces with Peanuts
-Mini Pieces
-Fast Break
-Nutrageous
-Sticks

Then there's anything from ice cream, snack bars, holiday shapes, cereal, fake pringles... Good God. You think that there would be no way that they could possibly squeeze another product out of that proverbial tube of icing that is Reese's. But let me tell you, they squeezed down on that tube like a son-of-a-bitch, and out popped quite possibly the greatest thing that has ever happened to a Reese's cup...


I've never used the phrase "mouth orgy" more correctly in my entire life... and even while I say it it's difficult trying to hold back all that mouth sperm. (I went to a strange place in those sentences). So now Reese's come filled with caramel. And it's not like they removed the peanut butter and substituted caramel, it's all in there bitch. Plus, it seems like there's more peanut butter than ever too! These things are LOADED, and yet somehow still compacted beautifully into the standard size Reese's cup. It's nice that Hershey's bends over backwards and shoves our asses full of limited edition everything, but nothing ever comes close to the original candy thing. This time, it's totally different. A Reese's without caramel is like a Reese's without peanut butter. This is totally tasty to the extreme... for real. Buy some.

20 Year-Old Kool-Aid...

Walked into a crappy grocery store and found something that rocked my world... Expired Purple Dinosaur Powder in a Can...

NEW CEREAL!!

Lucky gets Fruity

Little Samson for the NES...

--------------------

Visit the Old Computer to get this rom. They have tons available for download -- The Old Computer Dot Com

January 12, 2006 - meh

They published one of my poems in our semesterly college book thingy. Mr. Paste. I had to change the word whore to hooker. It makes tons of sense seeing as how those two words don't relate to each other at all. The hotdog in the microwave went off, but I forgot to get it or maybe I wasn't hungry anymore. There's no need to wear pants around here and it was dark, so I went out on the balcony and threw the hotdog down from 5 stories up. You know what a hotdog sounds like when it hits cement from five stories up? Like a finger breaking apart. Or a steak slapped lightly against a piece of foam. School is retarded. Don't go to school kids. Grow up and be happy with your ignorance, have sex and shoot stuff with a big gun. Teacher whatever stands up front and trys to tell me shit I already know, so instead I search the files on the schools server in order to find a picture to play with. There was one of a teacher; round gut, grey hair and beard, half kneeling, back against a wall with out-stretched hands gripping air, with a suicidal death scream shaped mouth. Not sure why it was there, but there it was, and by the time I was done I had a nice picture of him fucking himself in his own ass. Not himself directly, but another HIM. Spongebob cereal tastes good at 11:00pm.

2005 Christmas Wrap-Up!

Read all about it

Plus! I got TONS of DVD's like:

• South Park seasons 3, 4, & 6
• Futurama Vol. 1-4
• Kung Fu Season 3
• Ren & Stimpy Vol. 1-3
• Ducktales Vol. 1
• Chip & Dale Rescue Rangers Vol. 1
• Home Movies Seasons 1-3
• Garfield & Friends Vol. 1, 2, & 4
• Alf Season 2
• Batman Vol. 3
• Spiderman: The '67 Collection
• Simpsons Season 7
• The Muppet Movie
• The Great Muppet Caper
• Muppet Treasure Island
• Boogie Nights

(Holy Shit right?)

PLUS:

• Some books
• A Chromonica
• A NEW Accordion!

That's right, a new accordion. It's way sweet and comes with it's own awesome-o-meter. But the awesome-o-meter broke because it's too damn awesome so I no longer have that. For anyone that's heard my homemade album... Beware.



What'd ya get for Christmas?!

The Adventures of Amilio the Misunderstood Goul Part 5: Amilio's Christmas Special

It's Amilio's first Christmas, and boy is it going to be special.

It's Amilio's Christmas Special!

This is an extra long special edition! oh yea!

The Ghost of Christmas Blew up my Tupperware...

Okay... Okay... Okay...

Umm.. I don't even know what to say. This is really fuckin' weird. For no reason what so ever... A lid that was sitting on my kitchen counter, imploded into a few pieces. Yea. In fact, as I'm writing this thing, right now, these words right here that you are reading, the thing is in there just... breaking apart. When I go in to see it, it doesn't do anything. I come back in here, and it starts cracking again... What the hell??? Look at this...

Now, I know all about heat, and quickly changing heat, and how this effects plastic and everything. I know all that stuff. Like if you heat up a mug, then fill it with the coldest water EVER... it will probably break or crack or something. Same goes for walking barefoot in the snow for a long time, then sticking your feet in warm water without easing into it. Your feet will explode. Really, they will. But the thing is, this lid has been sitting on my counter for 2 days, with NO change in temperature. It has been at room temperature, the whole time. No microwave use, no fridge storage.

I heard the racket of the thing blowing up from the other room, but i had just put some ice cubes in the freezer, and something in my head told me that it was the ice cubes. Anyway, I don't think there is any rational explaination for this crazy event... Except This!!!



Wow. I think that's EXACTLY what happened. Damn Christmas Ghosts. You see, I have so much Christmas spirit, that those ghosts are all over my place. They just swoop in, blow some shit up, and take off. But that don't fret me none. Merry Christmas you sons of bitches! Merry Christmas indeed.

Christmas Specials Part 3: Garfield

A Garfield Christmas Special!

Christmas Specials Part 2: Goof Troop

Have Yourself a Goofy Little Christmas.

Christmas Specials Part 1: The Adventures of Pete and Pete

O Christmas Pete.

The Adventures of Amilio the Misunderstood Goul 4: Bigger, Longer, and Underpants

The Amilio format has been upgraded for his 4th time around. It's...

The Adventures of Amilio 4: Bigger, Longer, & Underpants

Enjoy!

Let's Kill Joe Peddott... Soon

Join the Revolution!

Google Videos in Unborifying

By now this isn't news, but I just found it. Theres even a blog about it somewhere in this mess of homemade writin' pages, but it's Google Videos. You search for videos much like you search for images. It's not what you think though. You'r not going to find old commercials or tv shows, stuff like that. These are videos that people submit so it can be really stupid, really boring, really funny, or terrifying beyond all reason. It's fun to search through, especially when you have absolutely nothing else to do but alot of stuff you don't want to do.

I found this.... It made me cry.

Random Food that's Crazy and/or Normal

My mundane andventures through life often bring me across food that is really old and/or really weird. Either way, this stuff is laying around and I thought it would be a good idea to share it.

A Canadian Thanksgiving... In America

Ah... Home for Thanksgiving... LET THE CARNAGE BEGIN! Featuring the Jones Soda Holiday Pack, and Tons of dead deer! Read!

Holy shit! It's Sprout's Valley Adventure!!!

A full frontal review.
(and I mean full frontal)...

Feel like a piece of shit...

I'm gettin' mighty tired of schooling. Each semester is like an incredibly long day. Each week my only memories are of television and how many cans of tea I drank. Then I wonder if today is a day where I can drink another one, or will that screw up my stocking system? If I could give anyone any sort of advice, it would be fuck school, and be happy with a dead-end job. What's so bad about that? I wish I had a dead-end job. What else is there to life besides work, music, games, and cereal? Not a whole lot... Well... Yea, I stick by my statement. I never complain, but fuck. I'm so damn bored that I have nothing else to write about. I've also decided to start collecting the following items...

1. Cereal Boxes - I find cereal boxes fascinating, and the fact that that cereal may not be around forever, and I'd like to have some record of it. Examples are Hidden Treasures and Pop Tarts Cereal. I would go crazy to hold an empty box of that shit in my hands.
2. Kool Aid Pouches - Kool-Aid rocks for the same reason as cereal boxes, and they'd easily fit into sports cards plastic sheet thingys. I have tons of those things left over from before I realized I hate that shit.
3. Candy/Special Wrappers - Don't make me bring up Cookies 'n Creme Twix again... Ninja Turtle Pies??? Point. Made.
   
4. Children's Books - Hell Yea.
5. Stickers - I've been collecting stickers for a long time but I'm thinking about making an old fashioned sticker book. What's the point in not sticking them? They're stickers! That should be fun.
   

So if you feel like it, save me your cereal boxes, and other assorted garbage that no one would ever want, and/or stickers. Or don't. Just putting it out there. Of coarse if you don't know me directly... This whole thing means nothing.

Cartoons in Decline. Damn!

I was awake on a saturday before 10AM, which now a days is very rare. It used to be that Saturdays were your day to shine. From about 6AM to 1PM, the TV became your provider, best friend, and lover. And it wasn't as if it was just one channel you were watching, all the major networks had an onslaught of great cartoons, sometimes so that you were torn on which to watch. As I flicked on the TV this saturday morning in the year 2005, I noticed something... There was nothing on.
Everything sucks. I mean, it sucks beyond anything imaginable. There was some weird shit about "Wink club???" or something, where slutty teen girls have crystals? What the fuck, I don't care. On other stations there was Pokemon, which is retarded out of a gameboy screen, and really little kid stuff like Arthur and Dragon Tales. It must suck to be a kid now, they don't have a single show that is like "IT". Theres the referbished Sonic-X and Ninja Turtles, but they suck now too. They're all serious and look like anime and it's just stupid. My sonic was awesome and liked chili dogs. The original turtles were hilarious and cool all at once, and basically took over the world in the 90's. Even Disney put out kick-ass shows back then. Today, everything is serious, looks like anime, and just plain blows. If only we could go back...

Back...

Back!

These are the shows of days that have past.
If I could build a saturday, it would look like this...

• Mutant League
• Pee-Wee's Playhouse
  
• The Wuzzles
• Super Mario Bros. Super Show
  
• Sonic the Hedgehog
• The New Adventures of Winnie the Pooh
  
• Bobby's World
• Eek! the Cat
  
• The Smurfs
• Garfield and Friends
  
• Bump in the Night
• Beetlejuice
• Gargoyles
  
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
• Mighty Max
  
• Gummi Bears
• Muppet Babies
  
• Darkwing Duck
• Chip & Dale Rescue Rangers
• Batman: The Animated Series
• Aladdin
• Doug
• Animaniacs
• Tiny Toon Adventures
  
• Talespin
• Bill Nye: The Science Guy

When you see Bill Nye, you know your day of extreme cartooning is over, and that alot of shows about animals and safari nonsense will come on, ushering you outside or to the nearest working video game system. I was lucky to live in the golden age of cartoons. Damn kids nowadays don't know shit! (crotchety grandpa moment). And it's not like i'm biased having grown up with the shows so I immediatley say that the new shows suck. It's just a fact. I've watched the new shows myself, and I know they suck. All this computer bull-shit takes the heart out of animation. Nothing is cool anymore. It's just about making money and telling people what's cool. GAR! Thank God for DVD.

On the plus side, since cartoons meant for kids are falling down an icey slope, cartoons meant for adults and kids with bad parents are on the rise! or at least have been consistent since the Simpsons first appeared. Adult Swim has it goin' on. Now that I can't even afford a step up to the next level of basic cable, I must suffer without Cartoon Network. But amasingly, every Friday night from 11PM to 6AM, Adult Swim.com has a Friday Night Fix that lets you watch FULL episodes of shows. They have anything from Space Ghost to The Boondocks! It makes me super happy. Check it out.

Zathura

Zathura. A kids movie that makes no sense but looks cool.

Limited Edition Kit Kat's & Hershey Bars!

Limited Edition Insanity!

The Adventures of Amilio the Misunderstood Goul 3: Revolutions

Wow. All right, It's Halloween and hopefully you get to do something good or in the past-tense did something good. I on the other hand did the best thing I could think of. I bring to you...

The Adventures of Amilio 3: Revolutions.

All I can say is, October is over... and what a long day it was.

Manikin 'n' Skin

Manikin 'n' Skin. A story by Mattman & Corinne.

The Nintendo "Power Pad"

I found a Power Pad! Check it Out!

Squirrels + Jazz = Great Television

See it to believe it.

Simpsons Season 6 Box... The Pain is Over

Mailed away for the alternate Simpsons Season 6 box. Results = Oh Yeah.

The WORST Muppets Ever!

Everyone knows that Muppets are the greatest thing to happen to cloth since underpants. But what happens when Muppets suck ass? Here are the worst Muppets EVER.

The Legend of Zorro

The Legend of Zorro. More like a myth.

October Trip Home

HOME!

The Adventures of Amilio the Misunderstood Goul 2: Amilio Strikes Back!

Okay. I couldn't help but recognize the HUGE impact Amilio had during his first post (one anonymous comment), so he decided to come back! That's right people. It's...

The Adventures of Amilio 2: Amilio Strikes Back!.

This time... It's personal... Not that it wasn't personal the first time... Well actually... no. no. Fuck it, it's personal this time.

Cops!

The show where Cops hurt people... whether they deserve it or not...

The Murderer Next Door

It's been well over two weeks since the last time I was able to enter the 5th floor hallway of my building without holding my breath, plugging my nose, or putting the death-grip on my testicles to ensure I won't smell the horrible stench of death that owns the atmosphere outside my door. The testicle death-grip remark was an exaggeration but a mighty necessary one. I can't describe the smell.. but I will anyway. It's like a rotting rabbit corpse filled with garlic and that burnt grease that sticks to the edge of the frying pan when you cook sausage. Then someone shat in it and installed a ventilation system to enhance the stench. I could go on but it's basically every living thing you could imagine... only dead, and 5 minutes before the carcasses inflate enough to explode... with garlic. I can't help but think that perhaps the four apartments around me, filled with people I've never seen, may have something to do with it. It's not me, that's for sure. I rock the smell department... well, I don't stink at least. Anyway, I'm thinking that there has to be a dead guy in a bathtub somewhere. That always happens. Something stinks for a while, then everyone's like "Fuck? what is that?!" Then you find out you've been living next door to the reincarnation of Jack the Ripper or something. Maybe it doesn't happen ALL the time, but I'd like to think it does. Why the hell not. So, everytime I step out to paint the town (right), this smell just rams a scalding iron up my ass. So this morning before heading out, I decided that if it still smelled, I would start to do something about it. It only took two weeks but by-golly, I was gonna fuckin' stop this thing Gandhi style. The plan was to make a generously sized sign sporting the phrase, "What smells like ass!". Or something. I didn't put much thought into it, but that sounded about right and that's what I settled on. Stepping out the door, sure enough the iron made it's way back into my ass and I knew I had a job to do. So, now i'm back from class, and I've decided that there's no way in hell i'm going to construct this magnificent semi-silent protest. The reason that i'm not going to, is because I don't have a problem with hallways that smell like flowers. That's right. Whatever stankified everything is no more, and a delightful fragrance has been inserted in it's place. So, either I have unparalleled mental powers, or someone else complained in a more appropriate way than I was going to a long time ago. But I think we all know the REAL answer... Body in the bathtub...
Body. In. The. Bathtub.

Tim Burton's Corpse Bride

A wedding movie for freaks.

The Adventures of Amilio the Misunderstood Goul

I've decided to remove the shackles of my artistic ability and draw some really shitty pictures that may very well entertain you. So here is an entirely pointless series of images I would like to call...
The Adventures of Amilio the Misunderstood Goul

Mmmmm... Boston

I'm sure I've made it clear that I enjoy living in Boston as much as I would enjoy an hourly rectal probing. But every now and then you see glimpses of vandalism that questions your very morality in a conflicting struggle between offensive and hilarious. In this photo I'm sure you'll agree, that this is most definitely the latter.


This is beautiful, let me elaborate. You have 9/11 memorial here right. Now, the memorial is made up of children's drawings to remember that day. Now, some free spirited Bostonian decided to rip a large portion of this expensively laminated square block, leaving a gaping white strip perfect for further defiling. This further defiling was achieved in the form of a highly religious statement "Repent or Perish". Now, if you ask me, religion is fine. But "repent or perish" is a phrase that isn't exactly going to get the athiests to put down their mugs of sheep blood and start a youth group. It's going to make people say "dude, some fucking ass-hole psycho christian just defiled a 9/11 memorial!". If you're going to try and have people follow your religion, don't start it off with "repent or perish"! Jesus. You're going to scare them the fuck away and they'll spend their time trying to make you and your entire organization look like a bunch of assholes. And to make this even funnier, someone did just that by defiling the sticker!! IGNORANCE RULES!!! Oh man I love it. It's a chain of terrible morals strung together in a wide open tourist ridden area in the heart of downtown historical Boston. Damn hell yes.

Babies getting shots is funny...

Oh man... It sounds terrible but babies getting shots is one of the funniest things i've ever seen. I was just sitting here with the news on and they started talking about doctor check-ups and shots and what not. Then they showed clips of babies getting shots. They look all confused at first, because you can't feel the needle right away. Then their eyes get a little wider and they stare off into nothing, then almost at the same time, the lower lip falls and crying begins. They showed a bunch of clips and now I can't stop laughing. Someone should make a movie that's just a 2 hour montage of babies getting shots.I'd watch it.

(why would there be a picture like this?... Whatever)

Peanut Butter Will Make it All Fuckin' Super!

You know that Jif Peanut Butter commercial where the little girl walks in on her father making a peanut butter sandwich in the living room and the father notifies the young lass that there's plenty of room for her to join him on the couch to make sandwiches? Yea, you know the one that is aimed towards really stupid people with kids that attempts to create a fantasy world where making sandwiches in the living room is your only thread of traditional heartwarming father/daughter activity that you have to pass on to your offspring? Yea, that one. You know, then the little girl asks her father why he folds his sandwich over like that, and then he responds that the reason he folds his sandwich over like that is because his father did it and he wanted to do everything like his father? And then he warmingly laughs and tells her father that he's "silly" and takes a big bite of her sandwich as she turns away? Yea, now you got it. Well, that commercial sucks. First of all, no one makes sandwiches in the fucking living room. Let's get that out of the way right now. Second of all, peanut butter isn't the most enjoyable condiment to spread lonely into a sandwich, let alone folding it into half a sandwich. My God. That's like a fucking sandwich peninsula. You can't enjoy a peninsula when you know there's perfectly good islands out there. Third, that little girl HATES her father. It's true. I'm waiting for someone to hack into the commercial and instead of the girl saying "That's Silly" she'll say "You're an Asshole". Watch her face as she turns. You get just a glimpse of it, but she looks so pissed off after she says "That's Silly" that it can't be ignored. Fourth, Peanut butter is the last thing that will bring you closer to your kids. Try taking them to the fucking park or build something. Teach them about music or something. Jesus. Don't start making sandwiches in the fucking living room. Take it in the goddamn kitchen like a normal person you asshole. Finally, I don't need a commercial telling me that peanut butter exists. I know it does. It's about as useful as a tampon comemrcial. Ladies, I'm sure you know what those are, you don't need to be reminded in between reruns of Seinfeld. Seeing a tampon commercial, will in no way change your perception of the tampon, and same goes for peanut butter. If I want some fucking peanut butter, i'm going to the store, and i'm buying fucking peanut butter. And its not going to be Jif. Its going to be the brand of whatever supermarket i'm in. I can't afford fucking, Jif peanut butter. Choosey moms my ass. If your mother is so damn worried about the type of peanut butter you're eating, your Dad ain't giving her what she needs upstairs. He's too busy making fucking peanut butter sandwich peninsulas in the fucking living room. The End.

Tobacco Has a Terrible Life

Tobacco has a terrible life. First it's killed, hanged, dried, chopped, processed, packed into paper, packaged, smacked, set on fire, sucked on, chewed on, flicked, thrown, then stepped on. But don't worry. This noble plant will have its revenge as it slowly kills people.

4th of Jew... Lie

I went to Unca'Daves a couple weeks ago (But who the hell knows.. Life here can blend an entire month into a pulsing puddle of bile that stops time completely until you realise that you've accomplished nothing, and it's only been 2 days), and we went to some peoples house... It was fun because I love hangin' with my cousins but it was one of those moments where as you take a bite of catered chicken, you look around and you're like, "where the fuck am I?"... Some random house in New Hampshire, sitting on someones porch eating chicken.. Very very strange. And there was this INSANE woman who was completely OBSESSED with her 3 year old daughter. It was really disturbing and angering. The little girl was eating a s'more in a chair, and the mom was sitting at her feet, far below her, groveling if you will, talking in the most annoying homosexual baby voice ever going "Are you gonna' eat dat whole ting? aw woo gonna eat it.. A boooga booga booooo... Awww" and then she took off the little girls shoes and was sucking her feet! and fingers! covered in nasty toddler marshmallow drool! All the while, a 300 year old jewish-like woman sat by, also enjoying the youthful slopfest, laughing and joining in with the same level of homosexual baby talk. I turned to my cousin Zach and was like, "I hope that little girl gets kidnapped. It's going to happen, one way or another. Look at this woman. What the hell is she doing?". Then we laughed and agreed that the girl would someday be kidnapped, and that the mother would be so upset that she would kill herself. Then we laughed some more. It's nice to find out that you're younger cousins think the same way you do. Seriously. Don't lick your goddamned kids feet. Something bad is bound to happen, that will entertain the rest of us. God. Anyway, that was my 4th, and that's how my mind works, and here's a sweet picture of Zach jumping off a cliff...

The Smell of Houses

The Smell of Houses. A story by Mattman.

Offensive T-shirt Ideas!!

T-shirts are fun. But it seems that there are alot of T-shits that really suck... and I'm talkin' like such a hard degree of suckage that If I see a T-shirt with something on it thats super gay or completly retarded, I just want to destroy the person wearing it. A recent example of this is "I Kissed the lead Singer!". HOLY SHIT. SOMEONE SHOOT THIS PERSON... DIRECTLY IN THE FACE. Anyhoo... I think these would be some awesome T-shirts that would really make people angry.

1.) Bright lettering proclaiming "I Have Aides!" and then a butler giving a thumbs up.

2.) Simply states "You're an abortion".

3.) Rainbow Tie-die with a back that says "Damn Gays".

4.) An arrow on the back pointing to the right with the words "Unregistered Sex Offender".

5.) A mens shirt that says "I used to have a penis".

6.) A womens shirt that says "I used to have a penis."

7.) Simply states "I love your kids".

8.) A maternity shirt that says "Fetus for Sale".

That's all for now... and aparantly I have no soul.

Batman Begins

And Begin Batman does.

Foo Fighters Copy Protected?!

The Foo Fighters "In Your Honor" among many other albums has been copy protected! Learn how to get all Tron on this evil program.

Ben and Ted's Excellent Magic Hippo Adventure

Ben and Ted's Excellent Magic Hippo Adventure. A story by Mattman & Corinne.

We're all just BIG and STUPID!

Ok, I saw a commercial with little people doin' stuff. Not midgets, but normal people with all the same dimensions. Then I thought, what if we were all smaller. What if everyone in the world was half the size that they are now, with the same dimentions, and everything is normal...Then would our technology be smaller? Cars would be smaller, but that means their parts would be smaller. What about CELL PHONES.... Their small now, the smallest cell phone now would be 50 percent bigger. So we'd make them smaller. But then, back in real world ratio, that cell phone would be 50 percent smaller than the smallest cell phone we have now, which means again smaller parts. THAT means better technology. So if we were SMALLER... we'd have better Technology! That's why elves and fairies have magic... 'Cause they understand!! Their Tiny! What the Hell!! OUR big stupid Brains are... STUPID!! GOD!

My Life Drawing Final

Hey hey. I'm done with my second semester and her is a link to my final project for life drawing. I thought someone should see it...I had to pick a renaissance painting and put my face in it...Yea...So of course, I thought I'd warn you with a similar disclaimer as the Abomination of Nature post (see Abomination of Nature post).
Here it be

Farmer Samurai and the Neverending Porn Dish

Farmer Samurai and the Neverending Porn Dish. A story by Mattman & Corinne.

Venomous Mops! or, Boy I Sure do Like Chowder Said the Venomous Mop

Venomous Mops! A story by Mattman & Corinne.

Jambo the Retarded Deformed Hamster

Jambo the Retarded Deformed Hamster. Story by Mattman & Corinne.

Phrase of the Day...

Some days, you may find yourself being caught off guard by something that is said around you, or perhaps something you overhear that sounds funny out of context. This is a normal and funny way to go about your day. But for me, this is what I heard coming out of a loud speaker while exiting a train...

"Attention everyone, there is a wild turkey in the parking lot. There is a WILD...TURKEY, in the parking lot. Thank You"
Bravo Massachusettes....Bravo

Abomination of Nature...

Ryan and I have done something that we're not especially proud of... Take a look...KEEPING IN MIND, that what you are about to see may scar or fully destroy any fond memory that you may currently cherish... You may also take into consideration that Ryan and I are in no way responsible for any change in character or morals you may, no, Will experience...

(I have read and understand the preceding words of terror)

(I'm confused and wish to leave)

Knight Rider Review

A Salvo find to end all Salvo finds. Knight Rider, Season 1.

The First Ape Foot Casserole

The First Ape Foot Casserole. A story by Mattman & Corinne.

Something happened somewhere.... what?

I just found out that the world has made me very negative due to the fact that during a recent viewing of the news, a girl on the screen was crying because her rather large friend was dead in an auto wreck, and she started saying things about how the girl was so nice and shit and I said to this girl on the screen, "shut up, you didn't even know her..." then I laughed... Don't get me wrong, I'm not ashamed... I just thought it was funny.

Killzor's Kitty Bone Tower

Killzor's Kitty Bone Tower. A story by Mattman & Corinne.

Artimus Ward's Final Musking

Artimus Ward's Final Musking. A story by Mattman & Corinne.

No more MapQuest...

You know how MapQuest is a pile of crap? and how when you need it to find you directions to North Tonawanda, you resort to drawing some lines on a piece of paper that are supposed to represent roads, and dotted lines that are supposed to represent water? And then when you get there you end up driving around in circles then entering random buildings trying to find out where you need to go? Well, even if you're not trying to go anywhere, check this , it rocks.

A Narration of the Life of the Narrator of Himself

A Narration of the Life of the Narrator of Himself. A story by Mattman.

A thought on Sexually Transmitted Diseases

This occurred to me as I looked out the window of the shuttle bus at the clean freshly fallen snow. It looked so nicely placed on the trees that for some reason I thought about weird perverted people doing it with animals and dead people and such things. Obviously these activities would very well lead to some sort of disease or at least a rash, but then I thought of who the first person or persons to make one of those diseases possible. Jesus probably had something to do with that due to the torture and pain that he seems to enjoy reigning down on us, including the occasional frog shower, but Africa is pretty fucked up too. So what I think happened was some weird pilgrim guy serviced himself in the ass of a sheep, caught something, then gave it to some slaves on the slave ships, then blamed Africa. So, if everyone just stopped fucking for a year or so to let all the perverts die off, everything would be cool. Or at least stop doing with animals. Try not to think about THAT when you go outside...

The 80's Baby Pope

The 80's Baby Pope. A story by Mattman & Corinne.

Birthday Party Invite. Sweet!

Hey all you fellas and sallys, Tomorrow is my birthday! I'll be turning the meat number of the life sandwich, 19. I dont think that means anything but if i tried to say it did I would have to start by saying that it doesn't, which in turn points us back to the question that is only an answer if you hold it upside down under warm running water. To be Frank, Aka short, aka not rambling on about subjects that have no relevence to the topic that is currently under discussion which I believe was the mating rituals of north african squirrel mites, I am having a birthday party for my birthday tomorrow. Its not a real birthday party mind you, OOooooh no, not real at all. It's so not real that if it were real you'd think it wasn't because you would look at it and it would look as if it wasn't real, which it isn't, and it's most definitly not. This party will take place inside my body as my internal systems recall the day I emerged from the womb, and start thrashing about in a tribalesque dance of passion and undigested ham particles. Ahhh yes. It will be most glorious indeed. But I probably won't remember any of it because as I stated before it's not real, and therefor makes every part of this dialogue uneccessary. So, I will leave you with this final thought...
It's more of a stormtrooper thrusting than a thought but everyone needs to kill a hooker at least once in their life... So, happy unbirthday to me, for now.

Boston and Football can kiss my shiny metal Ass!

What the Hell!! I have to be in the one place that celebrates retarded and pointless things the most. Not only are they not showing the Simpsons right now (I don't care how much it may suck), but they're showing segments of the game over again, as well as commercial highlights...What The FUCK!!! They are also showing footage of illiterate assholes with beer spazzing out and showing off their way cool Patriot sweatpant suits and hats. There are swat teams in the streets for no reason, and a sky chopper filming all the "action". I'm so happy to see that money is spent so well, and for the benefit of all. Why is this news, and why are these people still alive. Fuck. I am also aware that my ass isn't made of metal, but one never knows... And Paul McCartney rocks by the way. They should have just airred him for 3 hours instead of Jackassery... Fuck Again.

The Whore and the Steel Mill

The Whore and the Steel Mill. A story by Mattman & Corinne.

Inanimate Eskimo Pie

Inanimate Eskimo Pie. A story by Mattman & Corinne.